From The Diary of a Mad Gardener
January 4 I never would have believed it, but I’m learning Latin. I have to. I dropped by the library to see if any garden books had been returned. Some had, but they were about to be checked out again by Shirl, the garden woman from up the street. She was standing there with a stack under each arm.
“How did you manage that?” I asked. “Every time I try to find
a book the garden club gang has scooped them all . . . Hey, wait
a minute. You aren’t, are you?”
“Sure am,” she smirked. “I joined up last fall. In fact, I’m the Sergeant at Arms.”
“Sergeant at Arms,” I said. “But that isn’t fair, Shirl. When
I tried to join they told me the membership was limited.”
“Ah,” she smiled. “It is. The Groundling Garden Club is a
very exclusive club, with distinct advantages.”
“I can see that,” I said, nodding at the books.
“That’s just one of them. We also have the seed exchange and plant swop sown up. Nothing botanical moves in this town without our say so.”
“So that’s why I always end up with the marigolds. Okay, Shirl, how do I join?”
“Easy,” she said. “Beg to be recommended by a member in good standing.”
“Like you.”
“Like me.”
I begged. “Is that all, then?”
“Well,” Shirl replied, “there is the initiation ceremony.
It’s always a lot of fun—for the established membership.”
“No problem,” I said. “What’s involved?”
“Oh,” Shirl said, “I can’t tell you that, but you will have to
be able to recite the club mission statement in Latin—while blindfolded—and participate in a few exercises.”
“Blindfolded!” I said. “Exercises? It would be easier to get into the Hell’s Angels.”
“Probably. We never did make our fresh recruits learn any Latin.”
“What!”
“It’s up to you,” Shirl smiled. “But I’d seriously consider it if you want to see a garden book again. Maybe you should renew that dictionary you’re returning.”
January 5 I renewed the book like Shirl said, and I’ve been working away at the Latin. I’m waiting for a call from her now. She said that for security reasons, the Groundlings’ meetings are held with little advance notice, but I think she’s putting me on.
I’ve already learned the club motto "Carpe rutila" something about seizing a hoe. All I have to do now is get through the initiation ceremony and I’ll be a Groundling, too, with all the rights and privileges of membership—and books, and seeds.
It’s kinda exciting, but I admit I’m a bit apprehensive about
the “other things.” She said when she calls I’m to be ready
with a trowel and a pair of rubber boots.
January 16 Shirl called and it’s tonight! Tonight, I become
a member of the Groundling Garden Club. I can hardly wait, although I am feeling a tad anxious about the initiation ceremony. Regardless, I feel I should look my best, so I dug out my old rubber boots from the shed and hosed them down. They were
in a bit of a mess from the last time I wore them, which was when I waded through a farmyard carrying a pail of garden helper. I did plan to buff them up, too, but when I’d finished washing them off I discovered a hole in the left one, which I suspect accounts for the sock I discovered on the compost heap.
Instead, I decided to buy new ones. I spoiled myself. I went down to the garden store and fell in love with the finest pair of rubber garden boots on the market. Bright yellow, knee high, with heavy green treads on the bottom that leave an impression of a carrot behind as you walk along. Actually, I had a choice of four vegetables: carrot, leek, pepper, and eggplant. But I went with the carrot to confuse the rabbits. The boots have big, hand sized loops front and back to haul them on with, and there’s even a kind of holster on the side where you can stick your trowel—amazing!
I’d say I’m ready to become a Groundling.
January 17 I did it! I am now a probationary member of
the Groundlings Garden Club, entitled to almost all the rights
and privileges of membership. Except I’m no longer so sure I
want to be a member.
The initiation process was tough, and involved some tests
that might seem bizarre to the average person; however, I passed with honours. I feel proud that I was able to show them what a committed gardener I am, although there were a couple of difficult moments, and I’m still feeling bad about my new boots. Yes, I’ve been having my doubts about joining the Groundlings Garden Club. They began after we left the meeting.
On the way home Shirl and I stopped for coffee, and to celebrate my acceptance she bought me a donut. As we ate,
I asked her how things went with her initiation ceremony. “Oh,” she said, “They waived it for me. I was able to join through the valued applicant process.”
“Huh!” I said, “A valued applicant process?”
“That’s what they called it. Actually, it was just good timing. Their old slide projector had recently gone super nova and fried President Bob’s collection of rare weed pictures. They were so desperate that when I offered to donate the one I’ve had sitting in the back of the closet for years, they couldn’t wait to sign me up. The members were so grateful they offered me the presidency. Instead, I agreed to accept the Sergeant at Arms position, providing I was allowed to toughen up the initiation process.
You were the first to go through the new version.”
“I don’t believe it,” I said. “Forty members and I’m the only
one that’s gone through a gruelling initiation. I thought I was joining a select group of gardeners, and now I find out I could have been in for the price of an old slide projector. I have one
in the back of the closet, too, you know.”
“Yes, but does it have a spare bulb?”
I don’t think it has any bulb, but I didn’t tell Shirl that. I told her I was disappointed and would be thinking seriously about withdrawing my application. “Whatever you like,” she went on, “but remember, you’re sworn to secrecy. One word about the initiation ceremony and you’re out.”
After that exchange, I came home and sat in my plant room
to contemplate the situation. After about half an hour I heard the timer click, then I saw the light: The Groundling Garden Club is corrupt and the whole bunch of them should be impeached.
January 18 I’ve decided. I’m definitely not going to join
the garden club. I might need library books but I don’t need the Groundlings with their silly initiations and their dumb secret greeting—Secret! I’ve been using it for years—bow slightly, place palms of both hands on small of back, straighten up, and groan.
As for the initiation, I showed them all right, even if I did experience a little anxiety at first. But only because Shirl relieved me of my brand-new rubber boots as soon I arrived at the meeting. I did feel kinda silly when they blindfolded me and made me stand in a big planter while all the members marched around me chanting Latin. But after ten minutes of that they stopped chanting and began firing garden questions at me; they couldn’t stump me.
I answered every one correctly.
After that they put me through the big compost test. I was required to positively identify a number of organic materials by each one’s fragrance. One after another a trowelful was held up
for me to sniff. I must admit, I was impressive. There were gasps of astonishment as I accurately named each one. I gasped a couple of times myself, too, when I sniffed too hard, but I nailed every single one—peat moss, leaf mold, grass clippings, sawdust, and
a complete line of barnyard gaspers.
When I reached the last one the room fell silent as I took my final sniff. Without a doubt it was horse, and I told them so—more gasps. Then a voice from the back called out, “But what kind of horse?” Before speaking, I slowly pulled the blindfold from my eyes and looked around at the expectant faces. The room fell silent, and then I spoke. “Clydesdale,” I said, with authority.
The crowd went wild.
I was feeling pretty darn proud of myself at that point, until I pulled on my boots—my brand-new rubber boots—and discovered where they’d been dumping the compost after I’d identified it. And to think that Shirl got in for the price of an old slide projector. I’m calling President Bob today to resign.
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